Although you can’t control everything that happens to you in life, you can have control over how you handle it. How would you react if this happened to you? Think about the different options to decide what you think might be best for you?

“This whole divorce is so annoying. After months of shouting, whispering and door slamming, Dad moved out and now Mum and Dad are divorced. I live with Mum and see Dad at weekends. But Mum is always moaning that he doesn’t give us enough money and asks me funny questions like if he has any new things. She even asked me to look at his wage slip the other day to see how much he earns. If I say something bad about him like he was late to pick me up it seems to make her happy. I don’t know what to do? It doesn’t feel right moaning about Dad.”

Option A

Keep it to yourself. Mum and Dad are stressed enough as it is without knowing how upset they’re making you.

Option B

Try to make them see that you don’t want to take sides – explain you love them both but tell them you don’t think it’s fair for them to treat you like a spy.

Which did you choose? If it was Option A, you probably don’t want to hurt either of them but without meaning to they are hurting you. They probably don’t even realise they’re not being fair to you. Give yourself a break! Go with Option B and ask them to stop.

What does it mean when people get separated or divorced?

Sometimes people change and don't want the same things as they did before. Your parents might still love each other but just can’t live together. They may not love each other anymore but they still love you.

People can become separated which means that they try living apart to help decide what they want to do.

A divorce means that their marriage will legally be over. Try to remember that even though they may not be married they’re still your parents and they still love you.

My parents are splitting up – who will I live with?

If your parents have decided to separate, they won't be living together any more. You’re still a family whether or not you’re all living together. Even if your brother is a pain in the neck, if he’s not living with you he’ll still be a pain!!

Custody is how the law divides up the jobs of caring for children after a divorce. It is most common to live with one parent for most of the time.

When one of your parents moves out you might go and visit them. This might feel weird to begin with. If you don’t have a room of your own where they live, take some things round that you can keep in a drawer – cds, pictures, books, a football – anything that will make you feel at home and stop you getting bored!!

If you want more information try this website http://www.there4me.com/home/index.asp

Is it all my fault?

Even if your relationship with your mum and dad hasn’t been very good this won’t be the reason for their divorce. No matter how unhappy they have seemed with you that will not be the reason for them splitting up.

If your parents aren't together, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to loads of people. You probably know someone whose parents are divorced or separated. Maybe you could talk to them.

For more information try this website http://www.itsnotyourfault.org/default.html

Where can I get some help?

If one of your parents has started a new relationship you might feel a bit funny. Try and keep an open mind about their new partner. You might find that you come to like them with time and they make a good friend. If you really don’t like them, think about the reasons why.

If you feel like talking to someone about it try ChildLine - the free 24 hour helpline for children. Call 0800 111. If it’s busy keep trying.

Try this website for more information: http://www.childline.org.uk/Just4U.asp

It can really help to talk things through with somebody you trust.

If you might feel better talking to someone you don’t know very well you can talk to people whose job it is to help. Either face to face or by email, or you can call helplines for free.

Try this website to find out who to contact: http://www.itsnotyourfault.org/Getting_further_help.html

RELATEEN is a counselling service in Hull for young people aged 12-18 years who are suffering the effects of problems in their parents' or step-parents relationship. These problems may be current, recent or might have happened some time ago. For more information on this service or an appointment, phone us on (01482) 581702 and ask for the service. Appointments are usually available weekdays from 5pm and on Saturday mornings too.

Factoid: Divorce is never your fault. Parents divorce each other.

Things that might make you feel better

• Write a diary – for your eyes only - so don’t worry about what you say. What went wrong? What worked? What happened that was different from the way things used to happen – you can say things you might not want to say to anyone else.
• Most of us have something we cling to when we need to feel secure – this is a great excuse to dig out that stinky old bear you used to love when you were little! It might be a song, a friend, a book or anything else familiar. This will show you that even though some things are changing not everything about your life has changed.
• Spend time with your mates. Even if you don't want to talk about what's happened, spending time with them might take your mind off stuff.
• You might want people to think you’re brave but don’t be afraid to have a good cry, it doesn’t mean you’re soft. If you can’t do it naturally watch a film that might make you cry.